if you like me you must not know who I am
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Randomize
