You're so nebulous sometimes
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
