after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
