Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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