I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
