so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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