I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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