just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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