If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
