Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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