I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
