If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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