Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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