My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
