we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
