Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
