if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
