i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
