my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
