gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
