Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
