I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i believe in u and ur pee
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
