Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
