I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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