I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
