Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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