What a fucking waste of an outfit
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
