Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
