whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
