Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
