I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
