not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i believe in u and ur pee
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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