i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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