Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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