Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
