the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
