did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
