break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
