Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
