dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
