It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
whose parrot is this?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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