why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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