i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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