you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
