the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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