i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
