Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
