I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
