I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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