Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
