Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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