i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
