come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
